A Goodbye Rant Of Sorts
by coop19
Summary: Marissa's thoughts and musings on her life during a particularly dark time in season 3.


A Goodbye Rant of Sorts

They're hypocrites. All of them. They stand on their 1.5 million dollar pedestals and look down on me like I'm the one with the problem, like I'm the one who should be ashamed. Why should I be ashamed to be who I am? Because this is who I am. This is where I was headed all along. They may not want to believe that, that this is the real me, but I know the truth. After all, it is my truth. I am what the circumstances and events of my life made me to be, and they contributed to that. Life can only deal out shitty hands for so long before you tell it to go screw itself. I passed that point a long time ago.

At least I don't go around fucking pretending. At least I admit to my faults. Yeah I have faults, a whole lot of faults in fact. So what? Why are they acting like they all of a sudden care? If they do actually care about my well-being and the path I've set myself on, I know their feelings stem purely from a sense of obligation. And if they feel obligated, they shouldn't. I don't feel obligated to them.

They honestly think that they're better than me. They think I'm someone to be pitied. They're not better than me, they're just luckier than me. Did Summer's boyfriend of seven years cheat on her without a second thought? Did he beg for her forgiveness, finally get it, befriend her, and then fuck her mother behind her back? Did Seth's perfect, morally conscious father become a criminal, lose the family fortune, tear his family apart, and isolate his son from his supposed friends? Of course back then, Seth didn't have any friends. Did Ryan have a gun pointed at his head by someone he trusted, someone he considered a friend, someone he thought understood him?

Okay maybe it isn't fair to bring Ryan into this; his life hasn't been peaches and cream either. It just seems that while his life keeps getting better, mine keeps getting worse. He's moving forward and I'm just…falling away.

Summer and Seth's fathers never left them. They didn't come back and break their hearts when they left a second time either. My dad loves me, he just doesn't love me enough to stay. He doesn't love me enough to finally settle his financial troubles once and for all and start fresh; he'd rather run and leave me with her.

She's the worst. I might resent my supposed friends, but I hate her. She has no pride, she's a goddamn joke. Instead of trying to stand on her own, she goes from guy to guy hoping that they and their money will fix her problems. My dad, Caleb, my dad again, Dr. Roberts, hell she used Luke for her sexual needs. She doesn't care who she hurts as long as she is happy and secure. She's Newports very own high class whore. Hey Seth, does that remind you of your mom? Does Kirsten go around flaunting herself every chance she gets? Do you have a new step dad every few months? Of course not, you're the product of a perfect marriage. Yeah I know your mom had a few problems with alcohol. But she got through it. She's moved on, moved past it. And why is that? It's because she had the support and love of a whole family behind her. Not like the painful fragments and shards that I get to live and deal with. She has you, and Ryan, and Sand; let's not forget Sandy. There never has been a couple quite like Sandy and Kirsten Cohen. Lets all give a big hand to the happy couple.

Oh, what about you Summer? Did Seth break up with you, impregnate his ex in a one night stand, get back together with you, and then leave again with said pregnant ex girlfriend? Yeah Ryan, as much as I don't want to make you a part of this you are. You're part of the problem. You've always wanted to save me, but you're a part of what I needed to be saved from. I know you had an obligation to Theresa, but what about me? Why am I the one that always gets fucking left behind. You came back and thanks for that, but some damage can't be undone.

Did any of you get attacked, no almost raped, by your boyfriend's brother? Did you have to shoot him when he attacked and almost killed your boyfriend too? No and no. Oh, and did any of your friends fall off a cliff after drinking too much? Were you there to watch it happen? Do you have to live with the feeling that you could've prevented it? He died because of me. He died because he loved me and I couldn't love him back. I don't blame you Ryan, I know you tried to save him, but let's be honest; you never did like Johnny much. I know that you felt threatened by him, that you thought that I might love him more than I loved you. Let me tell you that isn't possible. Johnny might've loved me, but I didn't love him. I couldn't love him. Not when you consumed me like you did and do. It was that fucking letter that killed him. The letter I wrote to save our relationship ended up destroying us and damning him. And now he's not here and I've lost you too. Not that that surprises me. Since you've moved to Newport you've been on a mission of self-improvement. My life is one big mess after another. It's hard to push forward through life with the deadweight of a girlfriend who somehow always attracts drama on your arm. I don't blame you, no matter what I say, not really. But I don't respect you as much anymore either. Ryan I know that it has always been your mission to save me, but you can't. I hate to be the one to destroy this image you have of yourself as my hero, but I'll do it anyway. Ryan you need to know that not everyone can or wants to be saved. You're not my hero, you're not my champion, you're not my knight in shining armor, and you're not my prince and I'm definitely not you're princess.

So you guys can whisper and talk all you want about Marissa Cooper and how much she's fallen, but you don't really know do you? None of you know. You can be mad at me, you can avoid me, you can even hate me, but don't you dare judge me. I do what I do because that's all I have left. Maybe the methods I use don't solve my problems, but they take the edge off. That's all I can hope for. I can no longer see a reason not to give in to my desires, the desires none of you could ever understand, the desires that have always set me somewhat apart from the rest of you even on our best days as best friends. So I'll drink when I want to drink, I'll date Volchock because he understands, and if the occasion calls for it I'll take another bump of blissful peace. And I don't want to hear a word from you Summer or Seth. You two lovebirds have enough to be concerned with. Your relationship might have survived high school, but college is a different deal. Summer, there is a position open for princess of Newport. Just be careful when you get the job, it's a hell of a long fall and nothing makes the residents of this town happier than seeing someone take the plunge. And Ryan? I now know I won't be hearing from you since you told Volchok I was his responsibility now. Thanks for passing the torch. Honestly I think it's for the best. We never could get it together. Maybe your admittance of defeat in your campaign to save me will finally give me closure. And maybe you don't agree with my new choice of boyfriend, but Volchok really isn't the guy you think he is. You loved me I know that, but you had to love me. You didn't have a choice. The heart wants what it wants. When it got hard you loved me and tried to hold on tighter, but you didn't want me. Volchok wants me. It's nice to have that feeling again. Volchok gets me. He knows who I am, where I've been, and where I'm going. He accepts me, which is more than I can say for you. You always tried to change me, to make me better. Well it doesn't get better than this, this is it. This is where I get off. This is where we part ways. Ryan Atwood, Summer Roberts, and Seth Cohen will go one way, and Marissa Cooper and Kevin Volchok will go the other. It may be the road less traveled, but it will do me just fine.


End file.
